Extormity Launches Ridiculously Expensive EHR

Electronic health record vendor Extormity launched a new EHR solution described by CEO Brantley Whittington as “astronomically priced” at an investor conference in New York hosted by its lead investment banking firm today.

“Healthcare IT influencers, columnists and bloggers have been asking ‘is $44,000 enough?’ to, which we say absolutely not!” exclaimed Whittington. “While many physicians have complained that electronic health records are too expensive, we believe most providers simply lack a proper frame of reference for the investment. For that reason, our new EHR solution is priced to match the average settlement for a physician who divorces his or her first spouse to marry a nurse, budding supermodel or landscaping professional. Physicians who opt for our SaaS model EHR can pay a monthly fee that equates to a typical alimony payment.”

Noted Seattle cardiologist and Extormity advisory board member Dr. Albert Tuttlemeyer is an enthusiastic supporter of the new pricing scheme. “Just as I saw value in my first wife working two jobs to put me through medical school and thought it only fair she should take me for everything, I believe the new Extormity release will contribute to my practice and force me to work that much harder,” stated Santorum.

For practices in high-paying specialties, Extormity is also offering a selection of upgrades that add to the expense of the solution. These Extormity TrophyTM modules are lavishly priced, with each one carrying a price tag that is the general equivalent of an expensive gift a physician would purchase for a second wife or husband. “Rather than wasting money on a new Range Rover, a bauble from Tiffany or a luxurious vacation in Tuscany, providers can add a DICOM viewer, a patient portal solution, or a registry reporting module,” added Whittington.

Extormity is now on twitter! Follow us @Extormity

 

---

 

Masquerading as Guam, Extormity Snags ARRA HIE Grant

Bloated electronic health record vendor Extormity, posing as the U.S. territory of Guam, announced the award of $1.6 million in state HIE grant funding from HHS.

“Until meaningful use guidelines are finalized, our EHR revenues from physician practices and hospital systems are well below shareholder expectations,” explained Extormity CEO Brantley Whittington. “Rather than cancel Extormapalooza, our annual user advisory conference in Davos, we went looking for outside the box ways to inflate our top-line.”

Extormity EVP of sales Tommy Spencer learned that ARRA HIE funding was available not only to states, but to U.S. territories and protectorates. “We doubted Guam was even aware of these grants, so we decided to apply on their behalf and without their knowledge,” said Spencer. “It was a challenge to find someone who speaks Guamian or Guamese or whatever their language is, but we located a doctoral student who was able to help us do some translation and toss in a few local pearls of wisdom to give our grant application the ring of authenticity.”

When pressed about how this will benefit Guam, Whittington compared this project to Alaska’s infamous Bridge to Nowhere project. “We plan to drop ship a few edge servers, include a master patient index and maybe toss in a module for nomenclature normalization. This will put Guam ahead of most of the states on the mainland, and will enable us to put a little over a million dollars to the Extormity bottom line.”

Extormity is now on twitter! Follow us @Extormity

 

---

 

Extormity Announces Loan Program

Electronic health record vendor Extormity today announced a loan program designed to help physician practices begin implementing EHR systems now, prior to the availability of ARRA incentive payments.

“We are pleased to announce our ISP Meaningful Use initiative,” said Extormity CEO Brantley Whittington on the steps of our nation’s capitol during a lobbying trip. “Not to be confused with ASP, SaaS or other confusing acronyms, ISP stands for the Extormity Indentured Servitude Program. We have convinced executives at several leading financial institutions to funnel a portion of their record-breaking bonuses into our ISP loan fund. These loans will be collateralized with stacks of servers and liens on physician property, and practices that qualify for these loans will agree to sign over stimulus payments and future earnings from first born children, with interest charges that are described by those with limited foresight as usurious.”

“In conjunction with the ISP initiative, we are also announcing our Artificially Incentivized Accelerated Implementation Onslaught, or A-I-A-I-O program,” added Whittington. “With the proposed meaningful use guidelines recently announced here, and the promise of stimulus payments somewhere out there, we developed A-I-A-I-O as a way to jump start our painfully slow implementation and training process. This streamlined course of action builds on the sink or swim training methodology that has successfully driven millions of people to enjoy aquatic recreation, recognizing that sputtering, coughing and the occasional drowning are but temporary obstacles on the path to success. At the conclusion of this forced march process, most practices will be able to attest, with only passing concerns about ethical propriety, that they are meaningful users deserving of an incentive check.”

Extormity also issued a meaningful use guarantee which all but guarantees that physicians using their EHR applications will in many cases qualify for meaningful use.

Extormity is now on twitter! Follow us @Extormity

 

---

 

Extormity Issues Hasty Retraction

Just 48 hours after challenging National Coordinator for Health Information Technology David Blumenthal to a rumble, behemoth EMR vendor Extormity has issued a retraction.

“It seems that provoking a federal official, even to a thumb wrestling match, is frowned upon by the secret service,” said Extormity CEO Brantley Whittington from his winter retreat in Aspen. “While extormity is a fictional organization, the threats from the secret service were very real. I was reminded that while the white house crashing Selahis have already enjoyed their fifteen minutes of fame, they and their heirs are now subject to a lifetime of scrutiny from the IRS.”

While Blumenthal should no longer be concerned about a physical confrontation, Extormity is not backing away from its efforts to water down meaningful use criteria.

“I have been informed that challenging Mr. Blumenthal to a dance-off is well within my constitutional rights,” added Whittington. “Tom DeLay has already established precedent here, and both current and former government employees are obligated by federal statute to accept a dancing challenge proffered by natural born United States citizens. Therefore, I am asking Mr. Blumenthal to square off in the salsa, the cha-cha and a traditional waltz – best score gets to make the final call on meaningful use.”

Extormity is now on twitter! Follow us @Extormity